Are You Kidding Us?

Better Luck with Music to Everyone in the Year 3000

2008-12-21T13:51:00.001-08:00

Okay, I know that I'm more than a little late to the proverbial party here, but... The Jonas Brothers? I don't get it.

Moby - Last Night (I decided to make money)

2008-04-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t necessarily shocked by this album; in fact, it is exactly what I expected. The same playin’ it cool Moby, dabbing into nothing new. After the first couple tracks, it was right on target! However, after a few more tracks I began to notice the pattern. Moby is not writing music anymore to write music: Moby is a sell out! Every song on Last Night can be heard in the foreseeable future for the next BMW 3 series or Samsung’s new professional camera phone or Vidal Sassoon’s Super Extra Mega Hold Hairspray. Funny enough, there is a picture of a television on the album cover. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife…

If I didn’t look at the track names when the song changed, I wouldn’t be the wiser to realize I’m listening to a new song. Every single track is the same tempo. No joke! You can tap your foot in time to the first track and you won’t miss a beat… all the way to track 14. Talk about musical expression. And each song has a well selected four-word loop from a 60’s Motown Record perfect for whatever product it will be selling. “257.zero” just counts. That’s the lyrics! Some obvious recording (I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the woman who does those incorrect dialing error messages) just spits out random numbers in the background with 2, 5 and 7 being the most repetitive. Perfect for Gillette’s Mach 7 Razor. See? I’m already marketing for Moby!

Though, I guess in this day in music where everyone is stealing something, making money in the industry is as easy as open heart surgery. Moby was probably smart to make a record specifically for commercials, whether these were his intentions or not. Sucks for Moby fans, if there are any.

I don’t hate this record. Last Night is better than his previous batch of records plus side projects which are absolutely nothing to write home about. There are a couple of tracks I do like, but that’s because I’m part of the American public and will like this song the second I see it on TV (which I won’t be surprised if I go home and see it tonight). I might even buy the product its advertising. Who am I kidding? No, I won’t.

Dear Phantom Planet,

2008-04-15T16:33:00.001-07:00

I love your band. In fact, The Guest is one of my favorite albums ever! Seriously! It's just so poppy and fun, and I still enjoy listening to it today, six years after its release. I wasn't a fan of your self-titled 2004 release, but in true die-hard-Weezer-fan fashion, I was holding out hope that you could have one (or in Weezer's case, three) disappointing album and then return to your catchy pop-rock roots with your latest release, Raise the Dead, which came out today. But imagine my dismay when I learned that your "new single" is not, in fact, a new song at all, but a re-recorded version of "Do the Panic," a b-side from The Guest! Oh, Phantom Planet, is that really the best you could do? Are you kidding us?

Yours truly,
Betsy

P.S.- Don't even try to blame this on Jason Schwartzman!

P.P.S.- Or Fueled by Ramen!

Death Cab For Cutie Fails at Possessing Anything

2008-03-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Pretentious bands. Ever since their major label signage, Death Cab has gone straight down the tubes. Transatlanticism is probably one of the better albums this decade, and now everything they produce is just garbage. This song is eight minutes long! Like... really? Does a song really need to be this long? And if yes, does it really need to be on the radio? If you're going to write a song that is as long as the entire Vampire Weekend record, the least you could do is make it worthwhile to listen to because you do have my attention for almost 10 minutes.

Most of the time when this song comes on, I don't even realize it has been playing for so long until I think about what I'm listening to. It's the same damn thing over and over again... for eight minutes. It's boring! For starters, the song is called "I Will Possess Your Heart." This is not exactly the pick of choice for a sweet love song. In fact, I'd be a little concerned if I was the girl of choice here. Its my heart, if I wanted you to have it, win it with a song I'd melt to not fall asleep to. Creepy. And forget the fact that there are no lyrics for the first half of the song! I bet during one of your snooze-fests aka concerts you had a jam session then thought afterwards "oh shit we should make that our new single!" Because one thing that everyone wants to hear is your boringass, on-stage instrumental inserts - which you use in place of an actual song thereby conning your fans out of a good song yet still managing to only play an hour - on your new CD, more specifically as the single that will be on every friggin' radio station because you have nothing better to write. You're full time musicians! You can write a freakin' song.

Yeah okay, they made a radio edit, but they didn't edit out the bad parts which would kind of be redundant because then the song would be zero minutes long. DCFC, you don't even possess my attention here and I don't even have ADD! Oooh look a ball........

Ed Note: Here is the song

Every Song on the New Panic at the Disco Album: Pretty. Bad.

2008-03-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Panic at the Disco's new album, Pretty. Odd. comes out next Tuesday, so of course there is no possible way I could have conceivably heard it yet, so of course this is a completely hypothetical review. And hypothetically, this record failed to meet my generally low expectations of mainstream mediocrity.

"Nine in the Afternoon" is the only song on the record that contains any trace of catchiness, yet it remains less memorable than any track from the band's 2005 debut, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. "Folking Around" is folking terrible. The majority of the lyrics on this album don't make sense ("And if the birds are just hollow words, flying along, singing a song, What would they do, if they knew what they could do"), and the majority of the instrumentals are just boring.

Seriously, Panic at the Disco... are you folking kidding us?!?

Tabitha Turlington - Rocket In My Pocket (12" of Fairlight Pleasure Mix)

2008-03-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

Australia. The awesome land that brought us INXS, beautiful Hugh Jackman and most recently, Tabitha Turlington. Who is Tabitha Turlington? Oh do not be fooled: She is a HE and they are a drag queen.

I'm sure if s/he ever saw this, I'd probably get the quick 'tude that they look better than I ever could and I shouldn't be disrespectin'... right, whatever mine are real.

I kind of picked up on the innuendo in the title's name, but I didn't think s/he would take it and slap us in the face with obviousness! Jesus Christ this song is hilariously terrible! It starts out enticing... ooh a new techno song for the club! There's a ton of build up in the beginning for greatness, and then the build also builds a smile on my face and then the words come in. This is when it's completely evident that Tabitha is probably Timothy or Steve.

Click to listen

I've got a rocket, a rocket in my pocket
and it's going to take you higher than heaven
I've got a rocket, a rocket in my pocket
gonna shoot you with my love!

I probably don't even need to say anymore as I'm sure every single one of you had the exact same reaction I did when I first heard this. In addition, it doesn't even rhyme!!! COME ON! That's the least you could do.... Stevabitha.

Brit and Alex

2008-03-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

Usually I stumble upon new music that turns out to be bad, or even the unlikely recommendation by a friend turns sour, however, in this situation, it was almost Deus Ex Machina and I nearly passed up on the opportunity handed to me. One of Brit and Alex's street team members handed me a poster of them and asked to pose for their street team, after inadvertently handing back the flier, it was only later did I realize my mistake. Don't worry, I took the poster back. Poor Brit and Alex.

So at first glance, this looked horrific from the start. Who let this be their press photo??

Not only does this look terrible - it doesn't even make me want to go listen to the music! Granted I wanted to listen to the music, only so I could add it here, but that's despite my point.

Going to their website clearly indicates that yes, their song was in a movie that no one went to see. It's also excessively magenta. And fugly. What made me laugh is one of the quotes from one of the girls (they're twin sisters believe it or not... I know, could this be anymore of a gem?): "I constantly have music in my head and I honestly didn't realize until recently that not everyone else did." Don't worry, it took me a few reads to actually understand what she was trying to say too. It just keeps getting better! The other sister has some massively long quote that the flashy animation doesn't even permit to stay up long enough to finish, but its something along the lines of forcing her friends to listen to her sing Bonnie Raitt in her basement. I really wish I was kidding. Because you know, its never true friendship until you're tied up in your friends basement, having country music shoved down your throat. Shame on my friends, I missed out.

After doing some research, I found out they're ex-child actors 1 2. So we have some entertainment background here! You'd think they'd know better! The song that sticks out the best (worst?) on their MySpace (which is the only link on their actual website) is "If You Never Knew." These girls do not know how to sing together. It's as if we never knew they had talent. Which they don't. It's a shame I can't tell them apart, but one of them sings with WAY too much vibrato. Like to the point where it just doesn't fit with the song! There is a time and place for vibrato and it's called The Stage. Not teeny-bopper, major label, written/produced/engineered-by-other-people-who-aren't-you records put out to support a movie that probably went to DVD in a week. Not like you can really hear it on top of all the over-production on their voices and the fact that music is pretty loud which competes with their voices. I wonder why its so loud.......

I think my favorite line in this song is

I took a bite of freedom (it tastes so sweet)

What?!?! Even better, they can't dance! Watch this; watch when you see them come on. Half of this video is focused on the movie about DANCING and when its Brit and Alex's turn for the camera, all they do is shake their junk - in unison - and then its a quick cut right back to the professionals humping the floor in the rain. The best is the beginning where they not only plug the iPhone, but use it to watch other people dance to their song! And towards then end when they hog the camera, clearly someone noticed they needed to have some actual dancers so they added some color to the shaking of the boobies. I'm sorry, if you're going to put a pop album out, its already a given that you did not write the song, or produce it, or do anything for that matter but be a pretty face on the screen, the least you could do is have some redeeming qualities to your career. Now, if your fake song is going to be used in a movie, don't let it be a goddamn DANCE movie where you can't even dance yourself in your OWN VIDEO!

Ahhh so many things are wrong with this I can't take it! And we thought it would be hard to be inspired by bad music. Touché, world!

"My Bumper" by Cene

2008-02-28T15:25:00.001-08:00

Allow us to take a moment to ponder the age-old question: Exactly what would happen if every idiot in America wrote a song every time they got in a fender-bender accident? True, this question has long been pondered by all types of people from every background and generation, and it seems as though we may still be quite far from a definitive answer.

But until that fateful day comes, "Ya Girl" Cene has gotten us started with her "smash hit," "My Bumper." How do we know this song is a smash hit? Oh yeah, it was voted Best Female R&B Single of the Year at the 2008 North Carolina Underground Music Awards, which, until this moment, I did not realize was such a big deal. I still have so much to learn about the music industry! But why waste time elaborating on the many things I don't know, when we could be listening to Cene's SMASH HIT:

I hope you closed your eyes, because, dude. Don't even get me started on the VIDEO.

Did you catch all the lyrics? No? Here's the chorus:

You hit my bumper so pull me over
Cause we been dancin like i'm your girl
so here's my number gimmie your number
and maybe i could be your girl

You hit my bumper so pull me over
Cause we been dancin like i'm your girl
so here's my number gimmie your number
and maybe i could be your girl

You know, it's about time young girls of today had a truly inspirational role model to look up to. What with Miley Cyrus wearing those short skirts all the time and Hayden Panettiere going on and on about whales or dolphins or whatever... there's just no real, clear message for these impressionable girls to capture and live by. Thank God for Cene, who has finally come along to tell them: Some homeboy rear-ended you? Girl, get his number! You found yourself a new boyfriend.

Vampire WeekEND

2008-02-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

What I'd really like to know is who is the magical mystery musical connoisseur who claimed this band to be worthy of the buzz? Vampire Weekend has been in every music magazine I've read since October, been on the infamous Stereogum and Pitchfork, are on the March 2008 cover of Spin as "This Year's Best New Band" and apparently set the mark as the first band to have that cover before releasing a debut CD... how!?

After listening to the record (which by the way is freakin' number #16 on Amazon's music sale list... that's out of EVERY CD they sell...), I get it... they're different. It's what could be referred to as "a refreshing change." I say bullocks.

Friends ask me why people like this band, as if there is a secret they're not sharing like a famous family connection or maybe they own Portugal.

Here is the secret: Today, I was pointed in the direction of this website.

This is extremely pertinent to this record! In fact, I think it should make the list. I know why people like this CD: its black music played by white guys! Sad to say, but it's true. It might not be rap or even close to hip hop, but trust me... the "African influences on the record" say it all. Everyone loves Kanye West, but now its to the point where loving Kanye's music is cliché. Indie kids don't do cliché. Indie kids are individuals. They're different. They're skinny jeans with flats (don't even get us started on that topic). They need to like newer music before everyone else; and once everyone else likes the music, they can't like the music anymore. Vampire Weekend is that new gem that combines new, refreshing sound to the indie scene and black music played by white guys all in one. This is why people love the CD.

They're nothing Earth shatteringly awesome. There's nothing incredible about them that would set them apart from any other indie rock band out there right now trying to make it. No lyrics that are Conor Oberst deep, no catchy hooks that will be this season's Hyundai commercials and none of them look like Adam Levine that could potentially even be the reason why the buzz. Nope, nothing! They're not even giving away free money with their CD that would point to a reason why sales are through the roof. In fact, the record gives you less bang for your buck since most songs are close to a minimalistic 2 minutes long. They are four kids (not joking about kids either, they're like 23) who met in college who said "we don't like the music that's out now... let's make our own!" Shit, it's too bad we're not all inventors.

They wear their brightly colored collegiate sweater sets, bang on drums and maintain the "less is more" indie mentality. How about less... of them. Period. Too harsh?

I have a feeling Vampire Weekend will be classified right up there with The White Stripes and The Strokes that they're this different sound for the times and they're so simplistic that its perfect. I would never compare these guys to either bands! They're just like any other band trying to make it right now in terms of quality of music, the only thing they have going for them is their Ivy League education that spoke to them and said "we need to be the next white band that sings black music to the indie kids." And they did, and there's your buzz reason.

Solitha - C'mon... unwrap me! (No thanks)

2008-02-16T13:14:00.000-08:00

I’m all about the white girl trying to make it in the hip hop world. I’m a huge fan of it actually, but seriously? We grew up in Philadelphia and even we’ll admit we're too white to write something like this. I didn’t even want to unwrap this, contrary to the CD title.

“Bootey” is just a mess. Yes its spelled wrong – intentionally – and funny enough, is named for a comment she saw in a “Date My Mom” episode on MTV. How deep. “Damn Hawt” is also spelled wrong and it’s played wrong too: you can hear it. I'm not even about to quote lyrics for you because that means I just have to listen to the songs again.

Solitha, honey, if you like to sing, first things first, go get some singing lessons. This is just painful. I’m impressed you got this guy Tom to be featured on every one of your tracks. “Like You Need Me” is even out of tune! How did this make the cut? You’re whispering out of tune on this track! And “Personal Horizon” doesn’t even have a tune, it’s just cacophony. And if I was the boy you had a crush on that you sing about in “Crush Boy,” I might have my parents sign a permission slip to transfer me to that other high school.

In addition, the pictures of you do not live up to the image you're trying to portray. We get it, you're the bad-ass white girl dipping into the R&B world. So dress like it! The least you could do is act the part correctly. Look at these mugshots. I'm no stylist but shame on your publicist!

This is embarrassing. I feel badly; it also sounds like your friends are not honest with you. I know you like "the black music" as you say on your website, but you shouldn’t be writing it yourself... or at the very least attempting to. Go do more research, get a producer who isn’t tone deaf and leave the misspellings to Fergie because I really don’t think you want to be known as that other white girl that pissed herself on stage.

"Higher" by Heidi Montag

2008-02-14T15:31:00.001-08:00

Unless you have been living in a remote mountain cave, chances are you have not only had the misfortune to hear "The Hills" reality "star" Heidi Montag's first "single," "Higher," but you have also seen the gratuitous boobfest she attempted to pass off as a music video. It was so horrendous it was taken off YouTube and all other websites approximately 24 hours after debuting due to the video's poor fan feedback and its potential to lower the IQ of viewers by up to 18 points. "I just started sobbing uncontrollably," Montag told Us magazine, "I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out."

Yeah, that was our reaction too.

I can think of only one thing I've encountered recently that is more completely terrible than the music video for "Higher," which is, of course, the song itself.

The song's one redeeming quality is its profound lyrical message:

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

Feel the wind on your face, we frolic or race, we can go at your pace, pace, the power lifted me so I set me free.

Am I dreaming?

So, you know, at least there's some meaning to the song.