Saturday, March 29, 2008

Death Cab For Cutie Fails at Possessing Anything

You know what really grinds my gears? Pretentious bands. Ever since their major label signage, Death Cab has gone straight down the tubes. Transatlanticism is probably one of the better albums this decade, and now everything they produce is just garbage. This song is eight minutes long! Like... really? Does a song really need to be this long? And if yes, does it really need to be on the radio? If you're going to write a song that is as long as the entire Vampire Weekend record, the least you could do is make it worthwhile to listen to because you do have my attention for almost 10 minutes.

Most of the time when this song comes on, I don't even realize it has been playing for so long until I think about what I'm listening to. It's the same damn thing over and over again... for eight minutes. It's boring! For starters, the song is called "I Will Possess Your Heart." This is not exactly the pick of choice for a sweet love song. In fact, I'd be a little concerned if I was the girl of choice here. Its my heart, if I wanted you to have it, win it with a song I'd melt to not fall asleep to. Creepy. And forget the fact that there are no lyrics for the first half of the song! I bet during one of your snooze-fests aka concerts you had a jam session then thought afterwards "oh shit we should make that our new single!" Because one thing that everyone wants to hear is your boringass, on-stage instrumental inserts - which you use in place of an actual song thereby conning your fans out of a good song yet still managing to only play an hour - on your new CD, more specifically as the single that will be on every friggin' radio station because you have nothing better to write. You're full time musicians! You can write a freakin' song.

Yeah okay, they made a radio edit, but they didn't edit out the bad parts which would kind of be redundant because then the song would be zero minutes long. DCFC, you don't even possess my attention here and I don't even have ADD! Oooh look a ball........

Ed Note: Here is the song

Friday, March 21, 2008

Every Song on the New Panic at the Disco Album: Pretty. Bad.

Panic at the Disco's new album, Pretty. Odd. comes out next Tuesday, so of course there is no possible way I could have conceivably heard it yet, so of course this is a completely hypothetical review. And hypothetically, this record failed to meet my generally low expectations of mainstream mediocrity.

"Nine in the Afternoon" is the only song on the record that contains any trace of catchiness, yet it remains less memorable than any track from the band's 2005 debut, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. "Folking Around" is folking terrible. The majority of the lyrics on this album don't make sense ("And if the birds are just hollow words, flying along, singing a song, What would they do, if they knew what they could do"), and the majority of the instrumentals are just boring.

Seriously, Panic at the Disco... are you folking kidding us?!?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tabitha Turlington - Rocket In My Pocket (12" of Fairlight Pleasure Mix)

Australia. The awesome land that brought us INXS, beautiful Hugh Jackman and most recently, Tabitha Turlington. Who is Tabitha Turlington? Oh do not be fooled: She is a HE and they are a drag queen.

I'm sure if s/he ever saw this, I'd probably get the quick 'tude that they look better than I ever could and I shouldn't be disrespectin'... right, whatever mine are real.

I kind of picked up on the innuendo in the title's name, but I didn't think s/he would take it and slap us in the face with obviousness! Jesus Christ this song is hilariously terrible! It starts out enticing... ooh a new techno song for the club! There's a ton of build up in the beginning for greatness, and then the build also builds a smile on my face and then the words come in. This is when it's completely evident that Tabitha is probably Timothy or Steve.

Click to listen

I've got a rocket, a rocket in my pocket
and it's going to take you higher than heaven
I've got a rocket, a rocket in my pocket
gonna shoot you with my love!

I probably don't even need to say anymore as I'm sure every single one of you had the exact same reaction I did when I first heard this. In addition, it doesn't even rhyme!!! COME ON! That's the least you could do.... Stevabitha.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Brit and Alex

Usually I stumble upon new music that turns out to be bad, or even the unlikely recommendation by a friend turns sour, however, in this situation, it was almost Deus Ex Machina and I nearly passed up on the opportunity handed to me. One of Brit and Alex's street team members handed me a poster of them and asked to pose for their street team, after inadvertently handing back the flier, it was only later did I realize my mistake. Don't worry, I took the poster back. Poor Brit and Alex.

So at first glance, this looked horrific from the start. Who let this be their press photo??

Not only does this look terrible - it doesn't even make me want to go listen to the music! Granted I wanted to listen to the music, only so I could add it here, but that's despite my point.

Going to their website clearly indicates that yes, their song was in a movie that no one went to see. It's also excessively magenta. And fugly. What made me laugh is one of the quotes from one of the girls (they're twin sisters believe it or not... I know, could this be anymore of a gem?): "I constantly have music in my head and I honestly didn't realize until recently that not everyone else did." Don't worry, it took me a few reads to actually understand what she was trying to say too. It just keeps getting better! The other sister has some massively long quote that the flashy animation doesn't even permit to stay up long enough to finish, but its something along the lines of forcing her friends to listen to her sing Bonnie Raitt in her basement. I really wish I was kidding. Because you know, its never true friendship until you're tied up in your friends basement, having country music shoved down your throat. Shame on my friends, I missed out.

After doing some research, I found out they're ex-child actors 1 2. So we have some entertainment background here! You'd think they'd know better! The song that sticks out the best (worst?) on their MySpace (which is the only link on their actual website) is "If You Never Knew." These girls do not know how to sing together. It's as if we never knew they had talent. Which they don't. It's a shame I can't tell them apart, but one of them sings with WAY too much vibrato. Like to the point where it just doesn't fit with the song! There is a time and place for vibrato and it's called The Stage. Not teeny-bopper, major label, written/produced/engineered-by-other-people-who-aren't-you records put out to support a movie that probably went to DVD in a week. Not like you can really hear it on top of all the over-production on their voices and the fact that music is pretty loud which competes with their voices. I wonder why its so loud.......

I think my favorite line in this song is

I took a bite of freedom (it tastes so sweet)

What?!?! Even better, they can't dance! Watch this; watch when you see them come on. Half of this video is focused on the movie about DANCING and when its Brit and Alex's turn for the camera, all they do is shake their junk - in unison - and then its a quick cut right back to the professionals humping the floor in the rain. The best is the beginning where they not only plug the iPhone, but use it to watch other people dance to their song! And towards then end when they hog the camera, clearly someone noticed they needed to have some actual dancers so they added some color to the shaking of the boobies. I'm sorry, if you're going to put a pop album out, its already a given that you did not write the song, or produce it, or do anything for that matter but be a pretty face on the screen, the least you could do is have some redeeming qualities to your career. Now, if your fake song is going to be used in a movie, don't let it be a goddamn DANCE movie where you can't even dance yourself in your OWN VIDEO!

Ahhh so many things are wrong with this I can't take it! And we thought it would be hard to be inspired by bad music. Touché, world!