Thursday, February 28, 2008

"My Bumper" by Cene

Allow us to take a moment to ponder the age-old question: Exactly what would happen if every idiot in America wrote a song every time they got in a fender-bender accident?  True, this question has long been pondered by all types of people from every background and generation, and it seems as though we may still be quite far from a definitive answer.

But until that fateful day comes, "Ya Girl" Cene has gotten us started with her "smash hit," "My Bumper."  How do we know this song is a smash hit?  Oh yeah, it was voted Best Female R&B Single of the Year at the 2008 North Carolina Underground Music Awards, which, until this moment, I did not realize was such a big deal.  I still have so much to learn about the music industry!  But why waste time elaborating on the many things I don't know, when we could be listening to Cene's SMASH HIT:

I hope you closed your eyes, because, dude. Don't even get me started on the VIDEO.

Did you catch all the lyrics? No? Here's the chorus:

You hit my bumper so pull me over
Cause we been dancin like i'm your girl
so here's my number gimmie your number
and maybe i could be your girl

You hit my bumper so pull me over
Cause we been dancin like i'm your girl
so here's my number gimmie your number
and maybe i could be your girl

You know, it's about time young girls of today had a truly inspirational role model to look up to. What with Miley Cyrus wearing those short skirts all the time and Hayden Panettiere going on and on about whales or dolphins or whatever... there's just no real, clear message for these impressionable girls to capture and live by. Thank God for Cene, who has finally come along to tell them: Some homeboy rear-ended you? Girl, get his number! You found yourself a new boyfriend.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Vampire WeekEND

What I'd really like to know is who is the magical mystery musical connoisseur who claimed this band to be worthy of the buzz? Vampire Weekend has been in every music magazine I've read since October, been on the infamous Stereogum and Pitchfork, are on the March 2008 cover of Spin as "This Year's Best New Band" and apparently set the mark as the first band to have that cover before releasing a debut CD... how!?

After listening to the record (which by the way is freakin' number #16 on Amazon's music sale list... that's out of EVERY CD they sell...), I get it... they're different. It's what could be referred to as "a refreshing change." I say bullocks.

Friends ask me why people like this band, as if there is a secret they're not sharing like a famous family connection or maybe they own Portugal.

Here is the secret: Today, I was pointed in the direction of this website.

This is extremely pertinent to this record! In fact, I think it should make the list. I know why people like this CD: its black music played by white guys! Sad to say, but it's true. It might not be rap or even close to hip hop, but trust me... the "African influences on the record" say it all. Everyone loves Kanye West, but now its to the point where loving Kanye's music is cliché. Indie kids don't do cliché. Indie kids are individuals. They're different. They're skinny jeans with flats (don't even get us started on that topic). They need to like newer music before everyone else; and once everyone else likes the music, they can't like the music anymore. Vampire Weekend is that new gem that combines new, refreshing sound to the indie scene and black music played by white guys all in one. This is why people love the CD.

They're nothing Earth shatteringly awesome. There's nothing incredible about them that would set them apart from any other indie rock band out there right now trying to make it. No lyrics that are Conor Oberst deep, no catchy hooks that will be this season's Hyundai commercials and none of them look like Adam Levine that could potentially even be the reason why the buzz. Nope, nothing! They're not even giving away free money with their CD that would point to a reason why sales are through the roof. In fact, the record gives you less bang for your buck since most songs are close to a minimalistic 2 minutes long. They are four kids (not joking about kids either, they're like 23) who met in college who said "we don't like the music that's out now... let's make our own!" Shit, it's too bad we're not all inventors.

They wear their brightly colored collegiate sweater sets, bang on drums and maintain the "less is more" indie mentality. How about less... of them. Period. Too harsh?

I have a feeling Vampire Weekend will be classified right up there with The White Stripes and The Strokes that they're this different sound for the times and they're so simplistic that its perfect. I would never compare these guys to either bands! They're just like any other band trying to make it right now in terms of quality of music, the only thing they have going for them is their Ivy League education that spoke to them and said "we need to be the next white band that sings black music to the indie kids." And they did, and there's your buzz reason.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Solitha - C'mon... unwrap me! (No thanks)

I’m all about the white girl trying to make it in the hip hop world. I’m a huge fan of it actually, but seriously? We grew up in Philadelphia and even we’ll admit we're too white to write something like this. I didn’t even want to unwrap this, contrary to the CD title.

“Bootey” is just a mess. Yes its spelled wrong – intentionally – and funny enough, is named for a comment she saw in a “Date My Mom” episode on MTV. How deep. “Damn Hawt” is also spelled wrong and it’s played wrong too: you can hear it. I'm not even about to quote lyrics for you because that means I just have to listen to the songs again.

Solitha, honey, if you like to sing, first things first, go get some singing lessons. This is just painful. I’m impressed you got this guy Tom to be featured on every one of your tracks. “Like You Need Me” is even out of tune! How did this make the cut? You’re whispering out of tune on this track! And “Personal Horizon” doesn’t even have a tune, it’s just cacophony. And if I was the boy you had a crush on that you sing about in “Crush Boy,” I might have my parents sign a permission slip to transfer me to that other high school.

In addition, the pictures of you do not live up to the image you're trying to portray. We get it, you're the bad-ass white girl dipping into the R&B world. So dress like it! The least you could do is act the part correctly. Look at these mugshots. I'm no stylist but shame on your publicist!

This is embarrassing. I feel badly; it also sounds like your friends are not honest with you. I know you like "the black music" as you say on your website, but you shouldn’t be writing it yourself... or at the very least attempting to. Go do more research, get a producer who isn’t tone deaf and leave the misspellings to Fergie because I really don’t think you want to be known as that other white girl that pissed herself on stage.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

"Higher" by Heidi Montag

Unless you have been living in a remote mountain cave, chances are you have not only had the misfortune to hear "The Hills" reality "star" Heidi Montag's first "single," "Higher," but you have also seen the gratuitous boobfest she attempted to pass off as a music video.  It was so horrendous it was taken off YouTube and all other websites approximately 24 hours after debuting due to the video's poor fan feedback and its potential to lower the IQ of viewers by up to 18 points.  "I just started sobbing uncontrollably," Montag told Us magazine, "I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out."

Yeah, that was our reaction too.

I can think of only one thing I've encountered recently that is more completely terrible than the music video for "Higher," which is, of course, the song itself.

The song's one redeeming quality is its profound lyrical message:

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.

Feel the wind on your face, we frolic or race, we can go at your pace, pace, the power lifted me so I set me free.

Am I dreaming?

So, you know, at least there's some meaning to the song.